Duke

This little boy went to Heaven yesterday.  He was a big ol' LOVE.  All he really wanted out of life was a warm lap, a car ride and an occasional rumpus with his big sister. 

He will be missed.

I couldn't do that

Because this is my blog I get to say whatever I want.  If you don't like it Please feel free to not read it.

This is going to be a rambling post. 

People often tell me they couldn't foster a child.  I usually ask why, most of the time the answer is I couldn't give them back, it would hurt too bad.

Let me tell you it does hurt too BAD.  More than you could imagine.  There are so many emotions.  We aren't in foster care to add to our family. 

Our last placement was HARD really HARD.  I put my heart and soul into her for 4 short/long months.  I worked hard to give her a home and a family that could give her the space to do as much healing as possible.  I held her during rages and set boundaries and listened to stories no person should ever have to live through.  I took her to therapy and dr. apts.  I threw her a birthday party and held her when she was sick.  I was her mom for that short time.  Most day's I didn't think I could continue and  would tell Pete that I was DONE.  One step in front of another we made it until she could go to her forever home. 

The night before she left our home.  I held her and we both cried for a very long time.  It was a beautiful testimony to our story together to her healing and learning and growing.  Mine too.

All those who say they can't do it because it would hurt too bad.  You are right, it does hurt REALLY unbelievable bad.  I feel called to do this.  One foot in front of the other. 

We are three weeks into doing it all over again.  They are different kids with a different story.  My guess is it will hurt too BAD again. 

24hrs

It has been 24 hours since this photo was taken. 

We had said all sorts of goodbyes, the kids at the bus stop, neighbors, dogs, teacher, friends . . .

Not our goodbye, we never said goodbye.

The night before, her final night in her bedroom (she slept not in her bed but under the desk)  I held her and we cried, we cried and cried.  It was healthy grieving.  The best part is that she chose, she DID healthy grieving.  

All the arguing, know-it-all behavior and constant supervision melted away.  This girl healed and grew so much in our care.  I didn't know we could be that family for a kid.  

We did not say goodbye because her dad and girlfriend promise to let us still be part of their family.  It will look very different than her living with us.  

I love you sweet A!  

I am weepy.  The weirdest things make me cry.  I am doing my best to walk right through the pain, not around it. 

I am asked why we do this and all I can say other than we are crazy  . . . it is crazy faith.  This is exactly what we are "supposed" to be doing. 

Foster update

Our little foster girl - I call her Little Miss.

We have had this sweet, argumentative, music loving girl for 4 months now.  There was an article in the news paper about the abuse her and her siblings endured.  She is a kid with a significant amount of trauma in her life and significant amount of behaviors that go with the trauma.

Little Miss has been in therapy for several months now.  Today I had a care-giver apt with her therapist.  She pointed out to me how much healing has happened in our Little Miss' life.  Wow!!  Several months ago the therapist asked me why I do this/fostering . . . "I don't know!"  "I guess I feel called"  I really had no real reason except it is what I am supposed to be doing.  It feels clear to me and, hubby said Yes.  Today our lovely therapist reminded me of the "calling" and how I followed my "gut" (other sessions she has reminded me to follow my instincts because they are good)  She went on to say whatever Faith you have is leading you well because Little Miss has done a lot of healing with your love and care.

We are doing hard stuff, really hard stuff but when I hear how much we have impacted Little Miss' life my faith is renewed.

We may be saying goodbye to Little Miss soon.  For a long time I was very ready to say goodbye because I was so "done" and frustrated. Who am I kidding  . . . this is gonna be hard and sad.  I will miss her.  Thankfully goodbye won't be forever but a new chapter and relationship will begin.

Perfectly Beautiful . . . Ten

First Day of School

My first born is a SENIOR!!! How in the hell did this happen?!  

I pray for success, growth, happiness and peace.  I love this kid.  

Sixth Grader

Someone may have "dropped a rose"

8th grader

4th grader, my baby

TEN!

She went and turned 10 years old.  My baby is TEN!!

Party Shenanigans

Cousins

HONK!!!

It went fast!! 4 weeks in the making.

My boy went into tryouts saying he just wanted to be in the ensemble, he didn't really want a speaking part.  

HAHA!!  He got the part of UGLY!!! Not only a speaking part but several solos. 

I hate to say the lead role but really it was.  My boy learned so much over the last 4 weeks.  He made his momma so so PROUD!!

He made many new friends.

Ugly

SWAN!  The story was so sad and sweet.   I may have cried at EVERY.SINGLE.SHOW!  Like lots of tears!  PROUD! PROUD! PROUD!

A little update on our journey:

We got licensed on May 19th at about 4 pm.  We got our first call about 5pm.  Yep it took all of one hour.  I said no as we had too much going on.  My hubby is a Rock Star and his band had a gig that night.  Something we had been looking forward to for a while (Ok, maybe star is a little exaggerated, he is my star (sorry to make you vomit))

Of course said child is heavily on my mind.  I decided to call in the morning and if she hadn't been placed she could finish up the weekend with us.  As you can see a month and a half later she is still here.

It ain't easy!  Kids from hard places are hard to parent.  Really what it is is we have to be 100% on ALL THE TIME.  The moment I feel like throwing in the towel I get a sweet note under my pillow or a big ol'hug or a "you are a good mom and dad"  (as in she has never had one of those before)

It is really hard on my kids. I am not seeing the sweet, loving side of my children as of late and that is hard to watch.

We keep on keeping on.  We can do hard things especially with sweet moments sprinkled in.

Foster Care

Well . . . we went and submitted our application to become a foster family back in March.  Today our homestudy is done along with our CPR and training requirements.  We just might be licensed by the end of the week.

About 5 years ago I had a little prayer/nap time one afternoon.  I often pray for God to use me. PLEASE. and if he wants to use me  PLEASE!  make it very obvious.  Anyway I was startled out of my prayer/nap time by the door bell.  It was the scheduled furnace maintenance guy.  I showed him to the furnace and apologized for the amount of toys that were on the rec-room floor.  After he did whatever he was doing to my furnace he said "don't worry about the toys, I have 6 kids".  We only had 3 at the time.  I responded with something like "Wow that is a crazy amount of kids but I LOVE it!"  He  went on to tell me that a couple were foster kids and that the need is great.  We chatted for a good 15 minutes.

So you get it.  The seed was planted many years ago.

I still want more from China but for right now I know this is exactly where we are supposed to be.

I am scared
I am excited
I am terrified
I just want to get this started.

If you see me out and about with a little person please respect their feelings.  We were told during training by a former foster child how much they hated the questions. You are welcome to ask me in private.   Thanks!

Thirteen

My DAUGHTER!  Is THIRTEEN!  

These two girls make my heart melt.

JOY is the first word that comes to mind when I think of her. 

She is equally beautiful on the inside and outside.  

She came from a hard place and is really one of the sweetest people I know and that continues to blow my mind. 

 This girl loves blue and panda bears.  She loves life, her family, friends and teachers.   She loves well.  She has taught me so much about life and given me endurance to do hard things.  

 Happy Birthday to our daughter!  I am grateful she calls me mom.

17

Zach made me a mom.  He changed my entire life.  Oh how I love this kid!  It hasn't always been easy but I am so grateful for my boy.  

I can't wait to see all the great things he will do.

Surgery - thoughts

The walk into the hospital is not done easily by this girl.  It is hard, so hard that her daddy gets to carry her.  

Checking in - she is hopeful that maybe just maybe she can hide and sneak away.  Sorry babe!  You sure look cute down there on the floor.

She perked up when that special daddy of her found a nice quiet place to color.

I got several hours of this girl all curled up on my lap.  She had this warm vacuum contraption thing.  Apparently by increasing the bodies temperature blood flow is increased reducing infection.

Here she is once we got to our room.  The lovely Children's hospital always pages me to come back to the recovery room to be with her just before she wakes up.  It really is so important to my girl.  I am so grateful that they "get it".  My girl has some deep trauma from her first hospital experience in China.

I couldn't resist her cuteness.  I LOVE LOVE these precious little eyes.

I am deeply grateful that I get to be this girls momma, that I get to be the one to care for her in the hospital.  That Pete and I get to be her parents. It is pretty special to see Pete be such a good daddy.  For us to do this together.